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Grundish and Askew

FREE DOWNLOAD Grundish and Askew

Strap on your athletic cup and grab a barf bag The Dr Reverend Lance Carbuncle is going to kick you suare in the balls and send you on a wild ride that may or may not answer the following uestions what happens when two white trash trailer park dwelling platonic life partners go on a moronic and misdirected crime spree; can their manly love for each other endure when one of them suffers a psychological bitch slap that renders him a homici Good Lord Sometimes I am just so amazed with myself Did

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Ous sickness Reader Views 2009 Literary Awards First Place Humor Category This book could easily be the sleeper of the year Reviewer Magazine an imaginative almost hallucinatory tale of madness traveling and free spirits doing what they want The Daily Loaf Think of those grungy maggoty knuckle dragging villains in Carl Hiaasen and Tim Dorsey novels Those morons are %#ing Osmond family teasippers compared to the crew Carbuncle has created This original and entertaining dark comedy explores the

Lance Carbuncle À 6 FREE DOWNLOAD

Dal maniac; will a snaggletoothed teenage prostitute tear them apart; what is the best way to use a dead illegal alien to your advantage in a hostage situation; what's that smell; and what the hell is Alf the Sacred Burro coughing up Carbuncle's latest offering Grundish and Askew ponders these troubling uestions and So sit down put on some protective goggles and get ready for Carbuncle to blast you in the face with a warm load of fictiti I’m taking a different slant to reviewing this novel


10 thoughts on “Grundish and Askew

  1. says:

    Good Lord Sometimes I am just so amazed with myself Did I write this masterpiece? Could I really be the literary genius who penned such a compelling tale? When I think about it it makes me want to do some stretches dab some cologne behind my ears curl up in a ball and kiss my special place Once again I must say “Excellent job Carbuncle Keep up the good work you handsome bastard”


  2. says:

    Listened March 20154 Stars Highly Recommended to fans of well written and hilariously raunchy bromance fiction and huge kudos to Eells for a kickass narrationLength approx 8 hoursNarrator Brandon Paul EellsPublisher Vicious Galoot Books AudibleReleased 2014I have a confession to make This is not my first dance with Grundish and Askew I read the book when it was first self published back in 2009 and my fondness for these never do well knuckleheads goes back farther than I've been blogging So when Lance Carbuncle reached out to me a few months ago and asked if I'd give the audio a listen you sure as shit better believe I said yes I didI had so much fun getting reacuainted with the characters this time around And Brandon Paul Eells the audiobook's narrator did a bang up job giving voice to the bizarre world in which Carbuncle has placed themHow I missed our dimwitted duoThe big ole bear of a man Grundish always willing to take the heat for his overweight goofball of a BFF Askew serving time in the big house so he don't have to getting his rocks off by suatting in homes while the owners are away leaving a uniue and stinky calling card of sorts behind as a warning for them to appreciate the things they haveThe chronic word abuser Askew who regards Grundish as the brother he never had frustratingly unable to control his ridiculously inappropriate and awkward impulses a ticking time bomb of a bastard who just keeps fucking things up for everyoneThis down on their luck two some can't seem to catch a break and the longer they stay in one place the uicker things go from bad to worse for them and everyone around themThere's the kid that mercilessly teases Grundish as he works his street corner standing arrow sign wearing shit end job who gets a Reservoir Dogs reception when Askew finally catches up to him And the unfortunately messy death of the 25 cent tipperThese guys end up pairing off with Askew's poor ole one lunged second hand smoke sniffing make a meal outta whatever's lying around Great Aunt Turleen as she gets swept up in all the hubbub when her nursing home kicks her out for strangling the staff dog god this shit must run in the family And a knock kneed uiet mouthed hooker joins the group as an accessory to murder when they turn tail to ditch the fuzz who're finally on their trail and looking to lock the boys up for goodThere's also a prosthetic penis some skanky gas station bathroom sex that might cause your stomach to wretch a couple of feet licking dream dogs and a dead Mexican who ends up tied to the top of Alf the sweet and smelly vomit ball hacking Sacred BurroThe writing is wickedly smart and the raunch factor is cranked up to an all time high as Carbuncle foreshadows the hell out of this buddy story The Of Mice and Men references are like whoa and only a dolt like Askew wouldn't be able to smell what's coming for these two numbskullsThough the writing's on the wall from the very beginning you can't help but find yourself happily tagging along cause you know it's bound to be one helluva ride head out the window wind in your hair fancy french cigarette stuck between your two front teeth smiling and gagging the whole way thereYou can grab it on audio now and the join the AuthorReader Discussion this April when both Lance and Brandon swing by the TNBBC goodreads group to hear what we have to say about the bookThe discussion runs from April 20th through the 26th right here


  3. says:

    I sing the body poop centricWhat is Grundish Askew? Well the human body is uite grundish at times and definitely askew After all we all get sick we all eventually get old and die unless we’re crushed by a large object before it’s really time for us to goand such events are perhaps uber grundish This book purports to be a buddy story about two downtrodden fools but I think it’s of a meditation on all the fucked up shit that makes us physically tick It’s reminding us that we are animals human animals yes but animals with body parts that go bad organs that spring leaks and even minds that can’t be controlled with will power In many ways we are helplessly at the mercy of Mother Nature Alzheimer’s might be in our genes Or perhaps a grapefruit sized tumor is preparing to burst from our neck Grundish Askew slaps us around a bit and says hey motherfucker you ain’t some kind of flying spaghetti monster angel you’re made out of dirt It’s a reminder well deserved given all the self help pabulum that people turn to when the going gets toughCarbuncle’s bodily theme is communicated through the uite amusing story of two white trash lowlifes committing semi accidental murder repeatedly while on the run from the pigs Is it well told?absolutely Very funny and with sincere solid characters It’s a great adventure story In fact I felt the story was so well written that the occasional footnotes that were “from the author” giving a slight post modern spin on the book were unnecessary and detracted from the narrative itself which rocked like Molly Hatchet Yes you need a bit of a stomach to appreciate this but any reader willing to step out of her ivory tower and get down in the muck will love it Highly recommended


  4. says:

    Grundish and Askew is Of Mice and Men on steroids and meth It is Thelma and Louise except with two loser guys and no socially redeeming message It is Lance Carbuncle's second novel and it continues his pathological love for the bizarre the scatological and general bad taste made ecstatically entertaining I'm pretty sure there is not a social taboo left untouched in this madhouse of a story If he was not so damn good as a writer I would probably be calling the police for a psychological assessment Of course since I enjoyed reading this novel as much as he enjoyed writing it we would undoubtedly share the same padded room Those who read his first tome Smashed Suashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed will instantly recognize his uniue style including those incredibly informative footnotes Did you know the State of Washington did not make bestiality illegal until 2006? Have you ever pondered about the mating habits of The Great Gray Slug? Idjit Galoot also makes a cameo which will make SSSSCCS fans giddy The rest you will have to read for yourself and if you haven't figured out that this book is unfit for the easily offended or sueamish then you didn't read my reviewI did have a few criticisms but after reading Carbuncle's fantasy regarding critics of his past book I think I'll keep them to myself and just say Go Lance Go


  5. says:

    Forget about stars this book is so beyond good and evil it's beyond stars Lance Carbuncle has a way with disgusting and it's in fine form here But beneath the layers of sweat and grime and pus and drool and spooge and snot and phlegm and bits of coughed up lung there is a story about fucked up people who love each other look out for each other and fuck up each other by trying to take care of each other Every single cum stained diarrhea seeping beer farting moron in this story is a fine upstanding citizen and a compelling model of moral rectitude Not that it does them any good but still you have to admire them for itSomebody called it Thelma Louise with rednecks but Thelma Louise already were rednecks It's like Thelma Louise with Deliverance or The Getaway with nice people or Ghost with basset hounds or The Golden Girls with emphysema Whatever it is it's got a whole lot of Florida for better or worse


  6. says:

    I’m taking a different slant to reviewing this novel Too much of the pullit surprise awesomeness would be exposed and you really should take the cult fiction journey nakedGrundish and Askew is an unconventional 5 star novel that rules its own genre with tenacity and confidence Nothing is off the table or taboo here You’ll get language violence grossness I think I just made that word up and dysfunctional characters that will make your weird relations appear normal Scary Interestingly a fantastic revenge is inserted mid way through the novel when the author addresses a previous critic’s comments and shoves them in the mouth of a character For this I get on my knees and bow whiling chanting god like phrases Presto the pretentious bloated pompous windbag is instantly infamous In the indie literary world we’ve named this type of reviewer Nestor Maronskisee Facebook Twitter and Bestseller Bound for details Yep go ahead and Google itLets examine The windbag complains “If this is a novel it seems to me that the author has just speckled it with bizarre characters footnotes and profanity hoping that the shock value will be enough to carry the story “ I could not disagree The characters are symptoms of our own stereotypical ideologies As a society we’ve come together to create Grundish Askew Turleen and collectively provide the setting and behaviors of their neighbors It’s the most honest reflection of contemporary thinking Is it shocking in your face blunt and downright offensive? Yes and that is the beauty of the story Shall we continueback to our favorite critic “But the book’s most painful flaw is its lack of any thoughtfully crafted deeper meaning or unifying theme” I can not directly comment on the previous story for which this addresses but in Grundish and Askew there is undoubtedly several deep and meaningful themes and if a reader misses them a hex on you So what are these delightful themes? I’ll give it a shot by brainstorming a few off the top of my cliché head Friendship the bromance is outstanding Family what is a family and then of course loyalty to Turleen Economic limitations culture race geography and education Crime and justice role of juvee prison and revolving door Ageism Mental health and illness dependency and co dependency The value of life and deathblah blah etcetera The comedic attributes do no lessen the greater importance of the message In fact ironically it enhances the seriousness and the messages the author are conveying The most obvious example is presented in the repetitive story Grundish tells Askew whenever they face separation It begins “Guys like us you know the ones that work the shit jobs and scrape by are the loneliest guys in the world Can’t keep jobs Don’t fit in They ain’t got nobody in the world that give a sideways about them” Here’s the sign the big whooper the deeper meaning the theme andor thesis statement This is the psychology behind the literary curtain as it pertains to this creative story NEXT Wingbag continues “The characters are outright unlikable and the author fails to provide us with a point as to what exactly he is trying accomplish” Unlikeable? I believe that depends on each readers own experience You might not like them but unless the wizard forgot to give you a heart I’m certain most can sympathize The end game of a character is not to make readers like them – how lame would that be? Characters are often devices utilized by authors to communicate In this case a talking donkey works perfectly Characters may manifest in many forms spreading the spectrum from fuzzy feel good or horrifyingly disgusting Alrightly almighty douche moving on”To be fair it also cannot be said that this book is completely without any talent or redemption “ By far this is a uniue creative inventive character rich language exploring boundary breaking and imaginative book In my singular opinion the author is incredibly talented daring and unapologetic Note I am not related previously befriended or paid by the author to state this but if he becomes rich I might claim to be a long lost third removed cousin by marriageWait for itthis is my favorite part of the review and the kick’em while they’re down death blow ‘the editing is not awful BUT” POW Suckerpucnch The EDITING? Really? All I can say is see footnote regarding made up words author is attempting to help move words in the direction of standardization if for no other reason then to irritate snooty vocabulary police” My response to the final nugget and to all who include such nonsense in a review “Oh Nestor Maronski I thought we killed you in Cutting The Fat by Maria Savva and Jason McIntyre Google it then buy itBTW The author gets an extra golden star for creating the best pen name ever If it’s not a pen name my apologies – your parents probably have another son named SueThis book in a nominee to make my Top 11 of 2011 at Bitsy Bling Books


  7. says:

    This original and entertaining dark comedy explores the relationship between the bearded heavily tattooed six foot three Grundish and his best friend the pot bellied Askew The guys live on a trailer park with Aunt Turleen and share the park with a motley collection of residents previously convicted of a sex crime After Askew beats one of the sex offenders to death he Grundish and Turleen make a hasty exit from the trailer park and set off on a crime spreeAlthough both the main characters are uncouth and possibly psychopathic their symbiotic relationship and their love for Turleen make it difficult to dislike them Even after Askew murders the sex offender shoots a bad tipper and cuts off the ear of an impertinent teenager he redeems himself with his affection for Dora the skinny prostitute Telling the story in the present tense works well it helps to maintain the tension immediacy and closeness The stomach churning detail provided in the narrative is hilarious rather than disturbing; I swear I can still smell the sex scene in the Git n Go toilets Not for the faint hearted this novel is gritty honest funny and to be recommended


  8. says:

    The final line of the prologue for Grundish and Askew – “Grundish thought about how he was going to shoot his best friend in the back of the head” – is a pretty good indication that this is going to be darker than his first novel Smashed Suashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed And the rest of the novel follows through on this promise It’s a wild ride and Carbuncle delivers on every page This is still a really funny book Carbuncle is a great writer a great comic writer with an expert sense of characterization and style along with a knack for creating cringe inducing bizarre scenes using characters many of us recognize from our daily lives Plot is important – maybe – but I think the books I look forward to the most are the ones where I know the writer is entertaining himself as much as any audience This sense of glee has a way of shining through Humor is one of the most subjective forms of fiction and my favorite humorists are the ones who can keep me reading even if I’m not necessarily in the mood for something funny And this book is gross but in a really good way It’s like Carbuncle takes all those instances that people try not to think too much about and carves a story out of them A good example of this is Askew’s bathroom encounter with his parole officer Velda “a suat sturdy lump of femininity like a wrecking ball that broke off of its chain” Most people would not want to think of any sexual encounters this woman might have but Carbuncle takes you right there and puts you right in the middle of the Git n Go restroom and you’ll either find it hilarious or want to take a shower afterward – or both Which kind of sums up Grundish and Askew in a nutshell If you’re easily offended you might not want to pick this one up but if you like the type of book that is a mature take on the 12 year old psyche perpetually dwelling in a lot of us then you would probably really like this I’m eagerly awaiting Carbuncle’s next book It’s been a while since I’ve read this one and I need a fix


  9. says:

    Woooooooooooooooooooooo What an awesome book Really really gross very violent and really really gross Grundish is my new favourite character ever His relationship with the insane fuckup that is Askew is really moving at times And just how proud he was over a massive poo he did had me laughing so much I had to take a photo of the page to send a friend because my wife just didn't understand why it was so funnyThe book is well written and gradually adds and pace as the story nears it's conclusion Lance has also been kind enough to include endnotes I am always Googling words to see what they mean and luckily he saved me from having DOCKING you'll have to buy this book now if you want to know what this is hehe in my search history so the book gets a point for teaching the reader new stuff A few times during the book i think the author may have been a wee bit drunk and the characters start attacking the author about his lazy writing style very funny if not strangeThere is a character in this book that is hinted at being in another so it looks like I need to read previous books to find out If you are up for reading a story that pushes the limits of good taste then definitely give this a go There is also an audiobook out and I think that would be good fun to listen toLooking forward to reading Blog review is here


  10. says:

    Grundish and Askew are inseparable best friends Since childhood the two have been there for each other Their bond will certainly be pushed to it’s limits before all of this is over This book is eual parts heart humor filthiness and adventureGrundish has been through rehab juvenile hall and prison He now tolerates a shit job and his ever present parole officer in an effort to stay on the right path This is no easy task his boss is a prick and his PO wants a hell of a lot than just his urine Grundish takes to burglarizing and hanging out in plush homes while the occupants are on vacation At the end of each stay he leaves with a duffel bag of the finest food and liuor leaving a present in the toilet for the home ownersAskew is a pot bellied little man who comes from a long line of convicts After many generations his father vowed to break the chain and taught Askew what he hoped would keep him away from the same fate Askew makes Grundish promise to kill him before he gets locked up With illiterately colorful language and unpredictable behavior he is this story’s train wreck that you cannot turn away from as a disconnect occurs and things get out of hand He is the catalyst for much of the struggle that the friends experienceAskew’s aunt Turleen comes to live with Grundish and Askew after getting kicked out of assisted living by killing her nursing home’s resident canine While longing for the day when she is diagnosed with a terminal illness so that she can be reunited with the joy of smoking she cooks and cleans for the boys between pill induced slumbers In her dreams she is visited by the hound dog Idjit Galoot and friends who offer riddles and advice to guide her and the boys as they continue their escapadeAfter Askew snaps one too many times the three are forced to go underground Turleen sets up a place to hideout with an old friend The plan from there is shaky at best“Grundish and Askew” has a certain magic about it and is damn funny as well The wisdom of the old seeks stasis with the recklessness of the young There are certainly nods to “Of Mice and Men” but as with “Smashed Suashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed” and Sloughing off the Rot” there is a sense of adventure that is all encompassing even during the typical routines of the characters I loved seeing Idjit Galoot and Alf the Sacred Burro from the other books make appearances Being self published the book is also extremely well done in terms of overall uality and editing Now that I have read all of the author’s books I hope I do not have to wait long for Read you some Carbuncle


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